WHY GOOD LOVE GOES BAD 

  • By 7016606369
  • 25 May, 2017

How to be smart about falling in love and staying in love

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: BOOK II

I am writing a series of 4 books. The title of the book series is HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

The writing began over 25 years ago after having a spiritual awakening. As my life has been a trial-and-error process, so had the development of this body of work.

I will be posting about each of the books in separate blogs. Below is the title and a description of the second book:


WHY GOOD LOVE GOES BAD

How to be smart about falling in love and staying in love

This book describes how the survival brain imposes a deceptively strong influence on 1) who we pick for partners, 2) how we operate inside the relationship, and 3) when we decide to end the relationship.

The survival brain is the fight/flight brain. It is the ‘move away from discomfort and move towards pleasure’ brain. When we are consciously aware how the brain is influencing our choices, we can make different choices that override the instincts and put us on a happier, more fulfilling path. The various alternative choices and paths are outlined in the book.

Too many people confuse the “go with your heart” idea with the ‘feelings’ that actually come from the part of the brain that avoids discomfort, and gravitates towards what feels good. This book will make the distinction between heart and survival brain a bit clearer. It is okay to go with your feelings, but you also want to make sure those feelings are not just survival brain chemicals at play.

This book will also outline the 3 key elements that are required to have a happy, conscious relationship (address and resolve emotional upsets and emotional distancing, kindness and respect at all times, and utilizing a skilled 3rd party when you can't do it on your own). There will also be a couple of relationship assessments to help you assess where you are in your current relationship, and if you’re on a path to satisfaction or a path to unnecessary suffering.

Healthy Couples Blog

By 7016606369 21 Jul, 2017

Welcome to the blog for Healthy Couples and Bill White. This blog will be a place where I share my thoughts, ideas, and videos, as well as share other’s thoughts/resources--mostly about relationships, communication, and living life. And of course, humor.

Your thoughts and comments are most welcome. Photo credit, my friend, Ben Audia

By 7016606369 25 May, 2017

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: BOOK II

I am writing a series of 4 books. The title of the book series is HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

The writing began over 25 years ago after having a spiritual awakening. As my life has been a trial-and-error process, so had the development of this body of work.

I will be posting about each of the books in separate blogs. Below is the title and a description of the second book:


WHY GOOD LOVE GOES BAD

How to be smart about falling in love and staying in love

This book describes how the survival brain imposes a deceptively strong influence on 1) who we pick for partners, 2) how we operate inside the relationship, and 3) when we decide to end the relationship.

The survival brain is the fight/flight brain. It is the ‘move away from discomfort and move towards pleasure’ brain. When we are consciously aware how the brain is influencing our choices, we can make different choices that override the instincts and put us on a happier, more fulfilling path. The various alternative choices and paths are outlined in the book.

Too many people confuse the “go with your heart” idea with the ‘feelings’ that actually come from the part of the brain that avoids discomfort, and gravitates towards what feels good. This book will make the distinction between heart and survival brain a bit clearer. It is okay to go with your feelings, but you also want to make sure those feelings are not just survival brain chemicals at play.

This book will also outline the 3 key elements that are required to have a happy, conscious relationship (address and resolve emotional upsets and emotional distancing, kindness and respect at all times, and utilizing a skilled 3rd party when you can't do it on your own). There will also be a couple of relationship assessments to help you assess where you are in your current relationship, and if you’re on a path to satisfaction or a path to unnecessary suffering.

By lakshminarayan.krishnamurthy 20 Apr, 2017

I am writing a series of 4 books. The title of the book series is HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS. 

The writing began over 25 years ago after having a spiritual awakening. As my life has been a trial-and-error process, so had the development of this body of work.

I will be posting about each of the books in separate blogs. Below is the title and a description of the first book:

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: BOOK I

BLINDSIDED: The Toxic Person in Disguise

A Guide for Distinguishing Who Is Simply Difficult, and Who Is Destructive

This will be the first book that I will complete and published because if you aren’t able to distinguish who is toxic and who is not, you may be fooled over and over again. The results are usually devastating.

Are you dealing with people who have any of these traits? argumentative, defensive, opinionated, judgmental, rage monster, controlling, domineering, energy vampire, bully, blaming, complaining, manipulative, backstabbing? Would you consider these people to be liars, tricksters, users, abusers, and serial conflict avoiders, and yet occur to others as wonderful   people?

In my psychology and therapy education I was completely unprepared for dealing with the approximately 10% of the population who are not just difficult, they are impossible. You cannot relate to them without becoming angry, depressed, and distressed. These people have traits that are referred to in the mental health field as personality disorders. I don’t like or use the present labels. I don’t think these labels help us understand these wounded and difficult people.

We’re all difficult—in varying degrees, but there are some people who are extremely toxic and not worth your energy. The bad news is that most of these people are tricksters—you don’t see them coming. You don’t even see them when you’re sleeping with them. They seem like the most wonderful person ever. That’s because if a wolf is going to eat a sheep, it’s not going to introduce itself with, “Hi, I’m a wolf and I’m here to eat you.” No, it dresses itself up as a sheep, someone who is safe and kind.

The people I’m writing about are not like you and me. They are not interested in getting along. They are interested in getting what they want, by any means.

In the book, I will list and describe all the key traits of these people. But don’t be fooled. Just because a person has one of these traits does NOT mean that they are not worth your time. A person can be difficult, but worthy of your life energy.

So, how does one know if a person is worth your time or not? In 2010 I stumbled across the one key indicator that tells me if a person is just difficult, or if they are impossible. This one indicator has saved me from an immense amount of suffering in my personal and professional life.

The one key indicator: the person never, ever genuinely apologizes or admits playing a part in the trouble they have caused. If they ever do admit responsibility, it is simply a part of their manipulation to get you off their back, to hide their really bad traits, or to distract you so they never have to take real responsibility. So, until a person is willing to admit their part in the trouble they cause, there is nowhere to go with them.

I have referred to these personality types as as IDEAFs. It stands for I Don’t Ever Admit Fault. The good part of this label is that the problem AND the solution is inside the label. You don’t admit fault? You are causing trouble. You admit fault? You are on the path to resolving the trouble you’ve caused.

What people need to know is that these people are masters at deceiving others into thinking they are wonderful people. These people can of course be the clearly-seen bullies and abusers, but most of them are hiding behind the most wonderful presentation ever . These people are often successful, engaging, and very well thought of. They may be wonderful caretakers and wise spiritual-minded people. In the end, their personality traits are simply a mostly-unconscious ploy to win your trust so that they can use, control, and dominate you.

“Well, this person has wonderful qualities.” Of course they have good traits. Everyone does. Don’t be fooled by that. Pay attention to whether or not they admit any responsibility for causing trouble.

Another key point: These people are tricksters.Part of their trickery is that they avoid dealing with conflict and emotions. They may cause conflict and even get verbal about the conflict, but they will dance and dodge and manipulate so that things don't get put on the table in a healthy way. They engage in what I have termed  illogical logic and  intellectual trickery.  You will get so tired of the dance that you think it's just best to avoid dealing with issues. Then they're happy that you aren't bringing things up, but you're dying. They are skilled at turning things around so that you actually think you are the problem.  If you think you're crazy, you may be with an IDEAF.

One of the other labels I have for these types is ICOB. I Can Only Blame. A person who blames and doesn’t take responsibility is a red flag that this person is an IDEAF. But blaming—as with many other difficult traits--is not a fool-proof indicator of an IDEAF. Most of us get caught up in blame. But if you see blame, look closer. Set things up so that the person is required to take responsibility. If they don’t, don’t ignore it and continue relating to them as if they are on the up-and-up.

This is the first book of its type that brings compassion to these very difficult people. Most books make them out to be bad people who victimize others. IDEAFs are very scared and emotionally wounded (primarily childhood). They cannot risk being genuinely soft and humble. They need our compassion, but not a free reign. They're operating like 4 year-olds (if you're lucky).  Would you give a 4 year-old free reign?

The book has a chapter on how a person can change their difficult personality. The main ingredient to the change is to admit where you are causing trouble. To the IDEAF, admitting a personality flaw is terrifying. The good news is that genuine humility and apology not only makes you easier to be with, it makes you lovable. It is one of the most endearing things you can do. The trick for those of us in a relationship with an IDEAF is to be able to decipher if the person’s humility is genuine, or if it’s a temporary ploy. The book will help with that.

Healthy Couples Blog

By 7016606369 21 Jul, 2017

Welcome to the blog for Healthy Couples and Bill White. This blog will be a place where I share my thoughts, ideas, and videos, as well as share other’s thoughts/resources--mostly about relationships, communication, and living life. And of course, humor.

Your thoughts and comments are most welcome. Photo credit, my friend, Ben Audia

By 7016606369 25 May, 2017

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: BOOK II

I am writing a series of 4 books. The title of the book series is HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

The writing began over 25 years ago after having a spiritual awakening. As my life has been a trial-and-error process, so had the development of this body of work.

I will be posting about each of the books in separate blogs. Below is the title and a description of the second book:


WHY GOOD LOVE GOES BAD

How to be smart about falling in love and staying in love

This book describes how the survival brain imposes a deceptively strong influence on 1) who we pick for partners, 2) how we operate inside the relationship, and 3) when we decide to end the relationship.

The survival brain is the fight/flight brain. It is the ‘move away from discomfort and move towards pleasure’ brain. When we are consciously aware how the brain is influencing our choices, we can make different choices that override the instincts and put us on a happier, more fulfilling path. The various alternative choices and paths are outlined in the book.

Too many people confuse the “go with your heart” idea with the ‘feelings’ that actually come from the part of the brain that avoids discomfort, and gravitates towards what feels good. This book will make the distinction between heart and survival brain a bit clearer. It is okay to go with your feelings, but you also want to make sure those feelings are not just survival brain chemicals at play.

This book will also outline the 3 key elements that are required to have a happy, conscious relationship (address and resolve emotional upsets and emotional distancing, kindness and respect at all times, and utilizing a skilled 3rd party when you can't do it on your own). There will also be a couple of relationship assessments to help you assess where you are in your current relationship, and if you’re on a path to satisfaction or a path to unnecessary suffering.

By lakshminarayan.krishnamurthy 20 Apr, 2017

I am writing a series of 4 books. The title of the book series is HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS. 

The writing began over 25 years ago after having a spiritual awakening. As my life has been a trial-and-error process, so had the development of this body of work.

I will be posting about each of the books in separate blogs. Below is the title and a description of the first book:

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: BOOK I

BLINDSIDED: The Toxic Person in Disguise

A Guide for Distinguishing Who Is Simply Difficult, and Who Is Destructive

This will be the first book that I will complete and published because if you aren’t able to distinguish who is toxic and who is not, you may be fooled over and over again. The results are usually devastating.

Are you dealing with people who have any of these traits? argumentative, defensive, opinionated, judgmental, rage monster, controlling, domineering, energy vampire, bully, blaming, complaining, manipulative, backstabbing? Would you consider these people to be liars, tricksters, users, abusers, and serial conflict avoiders, and yet occur to others as wonderful   people?

In my psychology and therapy education I was completely unprepared for dealing with the approximately 10% of the population who are not just difficult, they are impossible. You cannot relate to them without becoming angry, depressed, and distressed. These people have traits that are referred to in the mental health field as personality disorders. I don’t like or use the present labels. I don’t think these labels help us understand these wounded and difficult people.

We’re all difficult—in varying degrees, but there are some people who are extremely toxic and not worth your energy. The bad news is that most of these people are tricksters—you don’t see them coming. You don’t even see them when you’re sleeping with them. They seem like the most wonderful person ever. That’s because if a wolf is going to eat a sheep, it’s not going to introduce itself with, “Hi, I’m a wolf and I’m here to eat you.” No, it dresses itself up as a sheep, someone who is safe and kind.

The people I’m writing about are not like you and me. They are not interested in getting along. They are interested in getting what they want, by any means.

In the book, I will list and describe all the key traits of these people. But don’t be fooled. Just because a person has one of these traits does NOT mean that they are not worth your time. A person can be difficult, but worthy of your life energy.

So, how does one know if a person is worth your time or not? In 2010 I stumbled across the one key indicator that tells me if a person is just difficult, or if they are impossible. This one indicator has saved me from an immense amount of suffering in my personal and professional life.

The one key indicator: the person never, ever genuinely apologizes or admits playing a part in the trouble they have caused. If they ever do admit responsibility, it is simply a part of their manipulation to get you off their back, to hide their really bad traits, or to distract you so they never have to take real responsibility. So, until a person is willing to admit their part in the trouble they cause, there is nowhere to go with them.

I have referred to these personality types as as IDEAFs. It stands for I Don’t Ever Admit Fault. The good part of this label is that the problem AND the solution is inside the label. You don’t admit fault? You are causing trouble. You admit fault? You are on the path to resolving the trouble you’ve caused.

What people need to know is that these people are masters at deceiving others into thinking they are wonderful people. These people can of course be the clearly-seen bullies and abusers, but most of them are hiding behind the most wonderful presentation ever . These people are often successful, engaging, and very well thought of. They may be wonderful caretakers and wise spiritual-minded people. In the end, their personality traits are simply a mostly-unconscious ploy to win your trust so that they can use, control, and dominate you.

“Well, this person has wonderful qualities.” Of course they have good traits. Everyone does. Don’t be fooled by that. Pay attention to whether or not they admit any responsibility for causing trouble.

Another key point: These people are tricksters.Part of their trickery is that they avoid dealing with conflict and emotions. They may cause conflict and even get verbal about the conflict, but they will dance and dodge and manipulate so that things don't get put on the table in a healthy way. They engage in what I have termed  illogical logic and  intellectual trickery.  You will get so tired of the dance that you think it's just best to avoid dealing with issues. Then they're happy that you aren't bringing things up, but you're dying. They are skilled at turning things around so that you actually think you are the problem.  If you think you're crazy, you may be with an IDEAF.

One of the other labels I have for these types is ICOB. I Can Only Blame. A person who blames and doesn’t take responsibility is a red flag that this person is an IDEAF. But blaming—as with many other difficult traits--is not a fool-proof indicator of an IDEAF. Most of us get caught up in blame. But if you see blame, look closer. Set things up so that the person is required to take responsibility. If they don’t, don’t ignore it and continue relating to them as if they are on the up-and-up.

This is the first book of its type that brings compassion to these very difficult people. Most books make them out to be bad people who victimize others. IDEAFs are very scared and emotionally wounded (primarily childhood). They cannot risk being genuinely soft and humble. They need our compassion, but not a free reign. They're operating like 4 year-olds (if you're lucky).  Would you give a 4 year-old free reign?

The book has a chapter on how a person can change their difficult personality. The main ingredient to the change is to admit where you are causing trouble. To the IDEAF, admitting a personality flaw is terrifying. The good news is that genuine humility and apology not only makes you easier to be with, it makes you lovable. It is one of the most endearing things you can do. The trick for those of us in a relationship with an IDEAF is to be able to decipher if the person’s humility is genuine, or if it’s a temporary ploy. The book will help with that.

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